Indie Fantasy League

[obiwankobe]

Indie Fantasy League
by Brent DiCrescenzo

The Under Armour slipped back on over High Lifed bellies, the Cherry Propel chilled in the cheerleaders' cooler, the cheese headgear chiseled and bored for the perfect look of creamy Swiss Herrgard-- the sports world turns again to the football season. The basketball, hockey, and the PRCA bull-riding seasons soon follow. Meanwhile, kiddies ride the school bus and rush home for goofy Japanese role-playing toons, eager to show off and hone their new Yu-Gi-Oh booster packs. Sure, indie kids look forward to a fuller Fall Semester CD release and leak schedule and begin to assemble their all important year-end lists, but where can they turn to indulge that innate desire to play competitive stats-based make-believe which lies in all of us, without looking like jocks or (slightly younger) children?

I see the entire world as a market. To fill this niche I present you Indie Fantasy League. Um, I mean, capitalism sucks.

Indie Fantasy League

The Rules

Each player in the league, or "scene," will be the manager of his or her own label. Feel free to name your label, but remember to avoid puns ("Olympic Freestyle Swimming Records"). We suggest juxtaposing the vile with a cute zoo animal ("Fuck Marmot" or "Cancer Panda") or randomly flipping through a Hungarian dictionary ("Kicsi Records" or "Közösülés Records").

To begin the season, which lasts one calendar year, each player receives 40 Points to sign bands.

First the worth of bands must be determined by using the Points System in Section A. After establishing the value of bands, the player can purchase as many bands as their 40 Points affords. In the case of bands with negative value they may be used to fatten the roster and knock the cost of larger bands, but remember that these uncool bands offer greater opportunity for points loss in Play.

Once the label rosters have been established, Play may begin. Points are gained or lost throughout the season by using the Points System spelled out in Section B. Keep in mind that the initial value points from Section A are still in effect and can affect a band's worth if changes in the band arise. Tools needed to play include pitchforkmedia.com, NME, CMJ, pollstar.com, Othermusic.com, and AllMusic.com. The player must keep track of all tour dates and releases. The season culminates in the spectacular finale that is Year End Lists, which award the greatest amount of points, or "cred."

Section A: Establishing a Band's Worth

Location
Scandinavia, +1; Norway, +2; Finland, +3
Canada, +1; French Canada, +2
Germany, +1; Berlin, +2
France, +1; Paris, +2
Scotland, +1; Glasgow, +2
London, +1
New York, +1; Williamsburg or "Dumbo", +2
Providence, +1; Boston, -1
Austin, TX, +1; the rest of Texas, -1
L.A., -1; Orange County, -2; "The Valley" -3
Seattle, -1
Florida, -1
Omaha, -1

Band Name
Rhyming, +1 ; a "Double Up" band name, +2
Commonly/easily mispronounced, +1
Uses punctuation, +1; nothing but punctuation, +2
"Panda", +1; "Wolf" +2
"Collective", +1
Band name is a phrase, +1 (add a bonus point for every word over 5)
Foreign language character or word(s), +1
Solo artist not using a proper name, +2; Group using proper name such as Jennifer Gentle, +1
Starts with a preposition, +1
Multiple verbs, +2
"AIDS...", +1; "Super..." -1
Name is a pun, -2
The ______s, -1
Any gerund noun name, -1
Number in the name, -1
"S" replaced with "Z", -1
Mythical creature(s), -1
Calendar term(s), -1
A common tool in the name, -1

Band Make Up
All female, +1; one female, +2; she plays violin, +3
Two member band, +1; neither of them play guitar, +2
Multi-ethnic, +1; all minority, -1
Average age = 21-28, +1; Average age = <21 or >29, -1
Keytar used, +1; harp/autoharp/xylophone/accordion used, +2
Mormon, +1; Christian, -1
Has a laptop, +1; Has a DJ, -1
Sax Player, -1; fretless or 6-string bass, -2
Openly gay, -1
Traditional line-up, -1

Band Appearance
Mustaches, +1; Mustaches on women, +2
Unkempt facial hair, +1; groomed/trimmed facial hair, -1
Dreadlocks, -1
Home-made clothing, +1; matching clothing/uniforms, -1
Keys on a carabiner attached to a belt loop, +1; wallet chain, -1
Leather pants, -1
Tie-dye, -1
Tattoos, -1; lone forearm tattoo, +1
Facial piercing, -1
Baseball hats, -1, helmets, +1
Animal costumes, +1
Shorts, -1; Cargo shorts, -2; "Richard Simmons" shorts, +2
Singer with potbelly, +1, obese members, -1
Tans, -1
Glasses, +1; Monocle, +2
Girls with hair longer than their shoulders, -1
Guys with hair coloring, -1

Label Handicapping
On any indie label, +1; no label with no distribution, -1
On a major label, -1; Dropped from a major label, +1
On own label with distribution, +2
On JadeTree, Epitaph, Vagrant, Drive-Thru, Polyvinyl, or Fat Wreck Chords; -1
On Arts & Crafts, Morr Music, Misra, Ghostly, Rough Trade, Troubleman, Matador, Merge, Sub Pop; +2
On Kompakt, Domino, DFA, Memphis Industries, On/On Switch, Paw Tracks, Social Registry, or 5RC; +3

Section B: Playing the Game

You will need to use allmusic.com and pollstar.com to keep track.

Touring
Plays a show in Europe [For North American bands only], +1; In Japan, +2
Plays a show in the United States [For European, South American, and Asian bands], +1
Headlines, +2, unless a band with more points opens for you, -1
Plays with a band with more points, +1; unless a band with more points opens for you, -1
Plays an arena show, -2
Bill has more than 3 bands, -1
Plays at the House of Blues, -1
Plays a show sponsored by a corporation (festivals not included), -2

Festivals:
Plays SXSW, +10
Plays SXSW after 11PM, +15
Headlines/plays a private party at SXSW, +20
CMJ, +5
Intonation, +10
Glastonbury, +5; Reading/Leads, +5
Lollapalooza, -10
Bonnaroo, -10
The Warped Tour, -20

Recording
Releases a CD, +10; Releases a debut CD, +20, Releases a sophomore CD, -5
Releases a 7", +15; Releases an LP, +15; Releases a 10", +30
Dave Fridmann, John McIntire, Steve Albini, Nigel Godrich produces, +10
The DFA/James Murphy produces, +15
Rob Cavallo, Rick Rubin, Andy Wallace, Dave Sardy, Rob Schnapf, or Jack Joseph Puig produces/mixes; -10
Makes a video without the band, +5
Video directed by Spike Jonze or Michel Gondry or Shynola, +10
Song used in a circulated mash-up, +20
Song remixed by artist with more points, +10

Press

Pitchfork
Headlining review, +5
Receive >8.0, +10
Receive <2.0, +10
Receive between 2.1 and 6.9, -10
Receive between 7.0 and 7.0, +4
Receive between 7.0 and 7.9 from Sam Ubl, -4
"BNM", +20
Four star or + Track Review before album release, +10
Artist makes a list for a daily feature, +10
Interviewed, +5
Place in the year-end list >20, -5
Place in the year-end Top 20, +10
Place in the year-end Top 10, +20
Awarded #1 on year-end list, +40

Music Blogs
Catbirdseat.org posts a track, +5
Stereogum posts a track, +10
Indiekids.org posts a track, +10
Said the Gramophone posts a track, +15
ILMiXor posts a track, +15
Fluxblog posts a track, +20

NME
Appear on "What's on our stereo" list, +10
Appear on the cover before debut album is released, +10
Appear on the cover after debut album is released, -10

The Wire
Appear on the cover, +20

Other Music
Album appears on the main page of othermusic.com, +10
Album appears on othermusic.com's weekly Top 15, +5

Also
Album appears in top 10 of CMJ's Radio 200 chart, +10
Band appears on the cover of Rolling Stone or Spin, -10
Band appears on the cover of Alternative Press, -20
Song used in "The O.C.", +5; Band appears on "The O.C.", -10
Song used in a commercial, +10
Song used in a movie trailer, -10
Album appears in year-end Top Ten of Tinymixtapes.com or Stylusmagazine.com, +5
Album appears in year-end Top Ten of Splendidezine.com, -5

Section C. Mock Draft

Here is my label. I'll take all challengers.

Penis Jesus Records
AIDS Wolf (10 pts)
Serena Maneesh (5 points)
Xiu Xiu (13 Points)
Test Icicles (6 points)
Bloc Party (2 points)
The Grates (4 points)

[obiwankobe]

We'll even give Glenn The Fleiss

[gidgetgoestohell]

Platypus Nosebleed

now I gotta pick some bands....I will take The Fleiss....



Glenn..does The Fleiss wanna be on Platypus Nosebleed Records?

[obiwankobe]

My record label is called "Stinking Weasel"

[Glenn]

I'm not kidding - I have turned your game into my real marketing strategy.

[gidgetgoestohell]

I will wait by my mailbox for my Platypus Nosebleed royalties.....

[obiwankobe]

What would your points total be?

[gidgetgoestohell]

Uuuuu...I blew up my calculator when totin' the points on The Fleiss alone....